I Do Actually Have a Shotgun
by Meredith T. Tasaki
Summary: AU. In about ten years: Alicia attempts to go on a date. Her father doesn't take this well. No spoilers.


Title: I Do Actually Have a Shotgun Rating: ...Probably'll pass for PG.  
Disclaimer: Don't own Full Metal Alchemist. But I do own Chris, and I'm getting to like him. Boy's got a charm. )  
Summary: AU. In about ten years: Alicia attempts to go on a date. Her father doesn't take this well. No spoilers.  
Notes: My father always says that when I start dating, he'll calmly tell the boy, "I have a gun, a shovel, and ten acres of land, and ain't nobody gonna miss you." And probably mention his USPS job to lend credibility. Whether this scenario will actually come about, I don't know... Doubt I'll get around to dating while I still live at home... And other things, one among which is my father is usually much friendlier to strangers than he is to us... But Hughes, on the other hand... )  
There are no spoilers 'cause I don't know how the series ends myself. I do know enough to know this is, sadly, a rather silly AU. I'd say that Hughes might be OOC, but... he really probably isn't. Ay.

(-)

"So his name's Chris, and we'll be going to see a movie tonight, and please, please, please don't scare him, okay? Because he's also my prom date and if you shoot him, word will get around and I'll have to go alone."

Maes Hughes sipped at his coffee. "I'm sorry, honey, did you say something?"

"DAAADDY!"

"Have you told him about where I work?"

"Yes, and miraculouly, he's willing to go out with me anyway."

"And you've told him I own a gun."

"DADDY!"

"It seems only fair to tell him I own a gun."

"Daddy, PLEASE don't shoot him."

"Why shouldn't I? It's a family tradition. Right, dear?"

"Alicia, you'll have to leave soon if you want to catch the bus," said Gracia.

Alicia got up, throwing one last pleading look at her father. "PLEASE don't kill him."

"Relax, honey. I won't kill him."

She beamed at him. "Good. See you soon!"

"I'll probably settle for neutering him," he said, after the door closed.

"DAAAADDY! I HEARD THAT!"

He shrugged and took another sip of coffee. "She'd get over it."

(-)

"I dunno, 'Licia, maybe it's all that stuff you told me about your dad, but I'm getting kinda freaked out. Paranoid. Like people are watching me."

"You can't back out now!" Alicia cried. "Then he'll know it works and I'll never have a boyfriend until I'm seventy-three! He'll haunt me after I DIE! He'll kill anyone, regardless of gender, who even seems to know my NAME! You can't back out on me!"

"...That was... really reassuring there."

"Okay, I was exaggerating," she said, with a blush. "But PLEASE, Chris."

"I didn't say I was gonna back out on you, I said I was getting paranoid. There's a difference. No way I'm breaking this date. Even if your dad does shoot me," he added, under his breath.

"Great!" she cried, and wrapped him in a hug. "You're so wonderful. So you'll pick me up at six, okay?"

"Like we said." Chris nodded.

"Right! I'll see you then!" She pecked him on the cheek and ran to catch her bus.

Chris glanced around again, nervously. He could have sworn he'd heard a 'click'.

He shuddered, pulled his jacket tighter around him, and hurried back home.

(-)

"Hi," Chris said, "I'm here to pick up Alicia?...Sir?..."

"I think you have the wrong house," Hughes said.

"DADDY!"

"Maes, for God's sake!"

He sighed. "Come in."

"Um, thank you very much, sir." Chris ducked in and looked around nervously, as if the place might be booby-trapped. Which was exactly what Hughes wanted him to think.

"You can sit down," Hughes said, and lazily gestured to a chair, with a technique he didn't realize he'd learned from Roy Mustang.

"Uh, thank you, sir." Chris attempted to surrepitiously check the chair for-- knives, or springs, or he didn't even know what. After his attempts, he sat down, flushing, perfectly aware of just how obvious his reconniasaince had been. As was Mr. Hughes, by the look on his face.

"I didn't trap it," he said. "That wouldn't be fair."

"No, sir, I'm sorry."

"I prefer a nice honest shotgun at ten meters."

"Dear," Gracia said.

"I do actually have a shotgun."

"Dear," Gracia said, a little more loudly.

"Would you like to see it?"

"Dear!"

He sighed. "All right, all right." He glanced back over at Chris, who was very white and possibly not breathing. Just the way he liked any of Alicia's... boyfriends. Oh, the hated word.

"So, you play any dangerous sports?"

"Daddy, stop terrorizing my boyfriend."

Hughes's head snapped up at his daughter's strange growl. "I wasn't, sweetie! I was just--"

"Hi, Alicia! You look beautiful," Chris said, immediately jumping to his feet. Partly because it was true, partly because he thought it would be best to be really, really nice to Alicia while her Dad was around, and partly because he was scared out of his mind.

Alicia blushed. "Thank you! You really think so?" She twirled.

"Yes! You look incredible! You--" Chris stopped cold when Hughes elbowed him.

"DADDY! For the love of--!" She grabbed Chris's arm. "Screw it! Let's go!"

"Young lady, language!" Hughes cried. A loud slam of the door punctuated the end of his sentence.

"I told you you shouldn't push her," Gracia said.

"I wasn't."

"Really."

"I didn't do a thing wrong! It's hardly MY fault the boy's paranoid."

Gracia stared at him. "With that smirk... You're spending too much time with Roy."

"What? I never knew how to smirk?"

"Yes, but that particular smirk... Oh, never mind."

Hughes smiled.

"Please tell me you aren't thinking what I think you're thinking."

"I am not thinking what you think I'm thinking."

"Oh dear God."

(-)

"There! We've escaped him."

"Yeah," Chris said, looking around nervously.

"We have," she insisted. "Even he can't be everywhere at once."

"I'm to stake my life on that?" he murmured, looking around.

"He wouldn't really kill you."

"Yeah. I know. He'd just-- hurt me, a lot."

She sighed, unwilling to contradict him because she wasn't sure if she'd be right. "Look, the movie's about to start. Why don't you relax? Nothing will happen."

"...Sure," he said. After all, her father couldn't actually kill him, right? Wouldn't there be, like, a scandal and things? He was sure it would be illegal.

A few minutes into the movie, he even dared to put an arm around her shoulder.

And jumped at the slow tapping on his shoulder.

He didn't bother looking behind him; he knew what he'd see. "Uh, Alicia, I think I'll go get some popcorn--okay?"

"But it's too expensive! And you'll miss the movie."

"Nothing is too expensive for you. And you can tell me what happened. I'll-- be right back, okay?"

She acquiesced reluctantly, and he hurried out of the room.

"Putting your arm around my daughter's shoulder! Who do you think you are!"

"I, uh, I didn't mean--"

"Don't you ever do that again!"

Chris gulped, and searched within himself for that courage, the one that showed up in anyone in very important moments, that everyone talked about. He couldn't find it and settled for reckless impudence instead. "Well, who are YOU to be stalking your daughter just 'cause she's on a date, huh! What, you don't trust her!"

Hughes glared at him, deathly serious. "I could have you killed, you know."

"That isn't legal."

"You think illegal things aren't possible? Nobody would miss a little punk like you."

"I-- I have family!"

"Yes. Possibly they'd suspect me. They might lodge a complaint. There'd be a hearing. I'd win."

Chris paled at the cold certainly in the man's voice, and felt almost close to fainting. His store of recklessness was less than ample. "You're... just trying to scare me."

"True... except, perhaps, for the word 'just'." His glasses flashed. "Get my daughter some popcorn, and do not touch her ever again."

"Y... Yes, sir."

"Thaaat's better." Hughes beamed and clapped him on the back. "Good boy!"

Chris wasn't sure whether he should feel humiliated, angry, or terrified as he meekly joined the popcorn line. It was a moot point, as he was feeling all three at once anyway.

(-)

Mr. Hughes was sitting on his front porch, whistling a cheerful tune, and polishing something that Chris devoutly hoped was not actually a shotgun.

"Are you okay?" Alicia asked.

"Yeah," Chris said, and found, to his surprise, that it was true. He just didn't have the emotional energy to sustain his terror, and he was in some strange state of fatigue or shock that was actually pretty nice. "Well, this is your stop."

"Yeah." She sighed and smiled. "I had a wonderful time, Chris."

"I..." Chris started, but realized he was too honest to echo her statement. "I loved hanging out with you. You really are beautiful tonight, Alicia. More beautiful."

She blushed. "Thank you... you've been so nice to me. In spite of my crazy dad."

"You're worth it," he said.

She smiled and pulled him over for a goodnight kiss.

A shot rang out. Chris screamed like a woman and threw himself behind the scanty protection of a fence.

"DADDY!" Alicia screamed at the top of her lungs. "SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, DADDY, WHAT THE HELL!"

"ALICIA! LANGUAGE!" Hughes reprimanded sternly.

"YOU SHOT AT HIM!"

"MAES HUGHES, PUT THAT THING DOWN THIS INSTANT!" Gracia stormed out the door, grabbed the gun, and whacked him with it. "You ought to be ASHAMED of yourself, shooting at that poor boy!"

"I didn't aim at him!" Hughes defended.

"Chris, are you okay!" Alicia ran to him.

"I... huh, my pants are dry, I didn't think... you're supposed to..." He took a deep breath, shaking violently. "I... Couple months of counseling, I'll be fine. I think I should... probably leave now. See you tomorrow." He risked a peck on her cheek, got up unsteadily, and ran like hell away.

"YOU BETTER RUN!" Hughes yelled. Gracia whacked him with the gun again.

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!" Alicia screamed, and ran past him, into the house, and upstairs, and into her room. Hughes winced at the sound of her door slamming shook the house.

"I kinda might have gone over the line, huh?"

Gracia leveled a mild glare at him. "As you really should know, shooting at your daughter's boyfriend is in no way helpful in maintaining her affection."

"So she's going to be angry at me for a while?"

"I would say so, yes."

Alicia threw open the window. "OVER THE LINE! GOOD GOD! Now the memory of my second kiss is going to be forever tainted BY THE SOUND OF GUNFIRE!" She slammed the window shut.

"SECOND kiss!"

"Nah-ah-ah!" Gracia hit him again with the shotgun, and grabbed the shovel he'd leaned against the wall just in case. "I will talk to her. You will stay very very quiet for several days and hope she decides to forgive you."

"Yes'm," Hughes said meekly, knowing when he'd been beaten.

(-)

"He shot at my boyfriend with a gun," Alicia said, disbelievingly.

"I know." Gracia patted her daughter's head.

"He shot at my boyfriend with a GUN."

"He did."

"Where the hell did he get a GUN!"

"It was my father's."

Alicia sat up and blinked at her mother. Gracia smiled.

"Your father still has scars from the bullet grazes. And this was after I had moved out of the house, mind you."

"Oh my God," Alicia breathed. "You mean he's going to keep doing this until I'm THIRTY!"

"I think we'll be able to dissuade him." She smiled.

"Then-- how did you ever manage to get married?"

"I stopped telling him about my dates," she said. "Fortunately I wasn't stupid enough to do anything foolish without that supervision... though I remember, that freedom was intoxicating. Which is why you're going to tell ME about every date you go on."

"Okay." Alicia nodded. After her father, it didn't seem half bad.

"Then, of course, we eloped... Told only a few of our friends. Then we went to your grandparents' house for the holidays..."

"And Grandpa was just okay with that?"

"No... Fortunately, your father had borrowed a few things from your uncle Roy..."

Alicia blanched, imagining that firefight.

"As you can see, he did quite a number on the barrel." She showed her the discolored spots. "After the testosterone waned, they made peace... sort of..."

"God," Alicia sighed in awe. "So it isn't just my father who's crazy."

"Nope." She smiled. "Though, in a way, this situation isn't as bad as it may seem."

"What! How!"

"When someone is willing to face him for you... when you're willing to go through all this hassle to make the person you love known to your family... then you'll know your love is serious."

Alicia smiled. "Yeah..."

(-)

Alicia was worried. Chris hadn't shown up for school that day, and she was terrified her father had scared him off forever. She looked up at the sky. Whether it was love, so soon, she didn't know, but Chris was a great guy, and she didn't want to lose him so suddenly.

"--and STILL he thinks he can send me off on these STUPID missions without even TELLING me--"

"Ed!" Alicia waved.

"Hi, Alicia!" Al waved cheerfully. Ed waved, too, though he was obviously still in a very bad mood.

"You look sad," Al noted, frowning. "What's wrong?"

"Ah, my father shot at my boyfriend last night and I haven't seen him at school since," she said, scuffing a heel on the sidewalk.

"Shot-- what, with a GUN?" Al said, disbelieving. "He'd NEVER..." Al trailed off as he realized that probably wasn't true.

"Boyfriend?" Ed blinked. "Oh, yeah, that Chris guy he's been tailing? I heard about him. Doesn't sound too bad."

"He isn't, he's really--" Alicia stopped. "...'Tailing'?"

"Yeah, he's been stalking the poor kid for weeks," Ed said. "Sorry for him. He must really like you if he's willing to put up with THAT."

"...I'll KILL HIM!" She started off at a run.

"Whoa, wait!" Ed grabbed her arm.

"I know! I know he only does it because he loves me more than anything in the world, et cetera, and I know I'm so lucky to have him, I really do. But still! This can't be allowed! He'll tyrannize me 'till I'm THIRTY, shoot my boyfriends, lock me up in a closet! He's got to know that there's a LINE!"

"..." Ed shrugged. "Yeah, you've got a point. Okay." He let her go.

"THANK you!" She ran away.

"How 'bout we meet you tomorrow, while brother's avoiding his report?" Al called after her.

"Sounds nice, thanks!"

"Hey!" Ed protested. "I do not still do that!"

Al looked down at him.

"...Okay, I still do that. But I admit it now."

"Usually."

"I'm working on it, I'm working on it, give me time... Haven't grown physically, why the hell should I emotionally?..."

Al patted his head. Ed growled and stormed away. Al, as always, followed.

(-)

"Honey, could you pass the salt?"

"Could you not shoot at my boyfriends?"

"Alicia, I really am--"

"No you're not."

"...Right, I'm not."

"Just PROMISE me you won't do it again. Okay? For my sake. I won't let anyone hurt me, okay? And you can't just stop me from getting hurt by shooting every kid of the opposite sex who gets within a meter of me."

"That was my plan..."

"It WON'T work. I'll just have to do it behind your back and then I'll get hurt worse. Don't you ever watch the movies?"

He smiled sadly. "I guess I just don't want to lose you, that's all, sweetie."

"You'll never lose me," she said.

"...Okay. I promise never to shoot at any of your... boyfriends... again."

"Or have them surveilled."

"Oh, come ON! That's just unresaonable!"

"THAT'S unreasonab-- FINE! Just limit yourself to a background check, okay! No hiding-in-the-bushes stuff!"

"...All right..."

"You're the best, daddy." She beamed and kissed his forehead.

He sighed. "I know."

"Har har..."

(-)

"'Licia."

She spun around, stunned. "You came back!"

"'Course I came back. Meant to come back yesterday, but..." Chris shrugged and pushed up his sleeve. "Mom made me stay home 'cause of the bullet graze."

"OH MY GOD!" Alicia gasped, grabbing his arm and inspecting it.

"It really is just a scratch. Bandage ought to be off in a couple days."

"I'll KILL HIM!"

"Okay."

She laughed. "Oh my God, Chris, I'm so sorry. I know you won't want to go out with me again, but--"

"I'd love to go out with you again," Chris said. "But-- maybe not meet you at your place."

She gaped at him. "Seriously?"

"I had a pretty nice time, except for the threats and the getting shot and everything."

"Well... I did make him promise not to shoot my boyfriends anymore... or have them tailed..."

"Tailed! I KNEW IT! I KNEW he was having me watched!" Chirs pumped a fist in victory.

"So he'll probably still threaten you, but that would be all... still..." She looked at him sadly. "It would be selfish of me to ask you to deal with all that..."

"Aw, c'mon, I got shot over this!" Chris cried. "No way I'm giving you up THAT easy. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction!"

"Eh..."

"I really do want to see you again, Alicia! And I'm not gonna let him stop me. Even if he does have a big scary gun," he added as an afterthought.

"I want to see you again too." She smiled and blushed.

"...So I'll pick you up at your place around six-thirty next Wednesday, and we'll go to Wilson's and catch a movie. Is that okay?"

"...Yeah." He grinned.

"'Course... that means I'll have to meet your parents..."

"My parents never shot anybody," he reasured her. "My mom's kinda... trying... but after your dad, she'll be a piece of cake."

"Yeah," she said, "it's the least I can do."

He smiled. "...And you're sure your Dad's not gonna shoot me again."

"I think Mom and I will be able to dissuade him." She grinned.

"Excellent." He grinned back. "Damn, class is gonna start..."

"Let's go. And wait until you hear where he got that shotgun... It's the most ironic thing ever..."

Arm in (injured) arm, they walked to their first class.

(-) 


End file.
